You Didn't Just Say That

The other day my husband was getting some ice out of the ice tray and I said that it needs to be filled up again. I told him I been trying to keep it filled so we don't run out. He says, "Will I don't usually use ice, but have to in this cup". Okay so you aren't going to fill the tray? No. So I fill the tray up and refill the ice cube trays, not being quiet about it. I decide to wash what little dishes that are in the sink and my husband water bottle is in there, I almost didn't wash it! When I get done I go and tell him, "You had your water bottle in the sink I guess you wanted it washed", yeah " Well I don't use it, but I WASHED it anyway. He looks at me, I go yeah just because you don't use something doesn't mean you don't have to fill it back up! OH by the way I wash, dry, fold and put away your clothes every week, and guess what I don't wear them! I got your point. YEAH THINK!!!

Hearing, But Trying Not To Listen

Yesterday my daughter had her appointment with the social worker which usually takes an hour. I always take a book with me so I am not bored, unlike my son who won't bring anything with him and is bored! I was sitting waiting and reading when this gal came and sat next to me to use the phone. She is clearly up set talking to who ever it was she was talking to. Now I can not help that I am hearing her she is sitting right next to me, but truly I am trying NOT to listen. She hangs up with the first person she calls and calls someone else, well she is pretty loud not screaming loud just loud. She is leaving a message with this person that I gathered was a teacher anyway she said she is sorry for the way she said what she said the other day, but is not sorry about what she said. She goes on to say you have known me the best and know about my mental health problems and yet I felt like you didn't even want to hear what I had to say like you were ignoring me. I was really trying my hardest not to listen to this, but couldn't help but hear it. I am reading and find I keep reading the same sentence over and over again. Than she makes another call to get another phone number for bishop Bean, Okay that rings a bell. I believe nursemom has mention this bishop before. She calls him and leaves a message. I am back on track reading my book when she makes yet another call. She gets someone and starts talking about how she isn't having a very good day and that people don't understand why she can't talk to them face to face right now. All these things aren't going good for her and she doesn't want to be where her sister is. My sister keeps calling me 20 times a day and I just can't handle it with everything else going on and my own mental health issues. I know the father doesn't give you more than you can handle but I feel he wants me to help my family. Heres where I loss it, she starts crying! I am thinking to myself don't listen don't listen and she keeps crying, well I can't help it I started to cry! My gosh I don't even know this person what the heck is wrong with me!! I am also thinking God wants her to help herself get better before she trys to help anyone else, I mean this gal sounds very unstable and ready to crack at any minute. She finally says well I have one minute to go catch the bus I am sorry I put this all on you but thanks for listening! I wanted to hug this girl, but I was afraid she think I was nuts and I didn't know her from Adam, it is just so dumb of me to start crying as I am trying to read my book which isn't working out so well, I guess if anyone ask me if I was okay I could have said oh it is just a sad part in the book, except the book I am reading is about vampires, witches, shapeshifters, and fairies. I guess I am just an emotional sap when it comes to other people crying I just can't help myself. I hope this gal will be okay and that she can pull her life together, because I really felt that she was ready to just explode at any minute. The good thing is I didn't get called back to the office and my daughters meeting went well this week!!

Life Can Be Unbearable

Life can be so unbearable at times. You life from pay check to pay check and still don't seem to make ends meet. The bills keep piling up and wondering how they are going to get paid. You help your children out and you take blood out of a turnip until there is no blood left. Your daughter has depression and thoughts of suicide and you are just beside yourself with grief. Now you get a call and your son is depress. You live day to day and don't want to go to work, but you know you have to and you just get off of your days off and can't wait until your next days off. There are times you just want to SCREAM and even that doesn't help. You cry daily because you don't know how you are goint to get by day to day. You don't want to leave your daughter a lone and she doesn't understand why. You find out that they want her to go to the hospital which is in another town and you don't want her to miss out on the last days of school. You still have the bills to pay and more are coming in daily. I just want to go hide under a rock some where and forget everything. I want to SCREAM CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! Sometimes it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel and it just gets darker and darker. I just want to go sit on the beach by the ocean and listen to the waves, but the ocean is so far away. So all you can do is sit there and cry. How am I going to do all these things I need to do. How can I help my daughter to cope with life when I am having a hard time myself. If I SCREAM is that really going to help? Lord I need your help! I know you are there and I know you are aware of what is going on, but I just can't seem to find the answers. I know this too shell pass, but right now it isn't passing fast enough. Yes life can be unbearable at times. Everything just seems so over whelming and I can't even begin to cope with it all. I want to talk to my mom and can't even do that. It is so devasting to think your daughter doesn't want to be here anymore that she feels her life isn't worth it, it breaks my heart and I just can't bare the thought of it anymore. Now my son is feeling it too. I know that we will get through this, but right now it doesn't feel that way.

A Funny Thing Happened...

I turned 50 this year, which is no big deal! (At least that is what I keep telling myself) The thing is my family makes it a big deal! I tell them it is just a number. My husband likes to give me a hard time and teases me all the time. Now everytime I say something like "I forgot" my husband either tells me "welcome to my world" or his lasted thing to say is "welcome to the grey side". My kids give me a hard time especially my youngest. Now I have been wearing reading glasses for two years now and I still get a hard time about it!! My family laughs at me everytime I put them on. Well the other day at work one of the day nurses put them on and said they were really strong I said well they are reading glasses, so she put them on and said that she could read that really good I might have to get some. Than the next day the same thing happened with someone else. Are we so vain? I admit it took me a while before I went in, I mean when you have to take a magnifying glass to read a bottle of tylenol it is time to do something about it! I know it is all apart of the fact that as you get older stuff happens. We went to this gift shop yesterday and my son just couldn't help himself he had to get me this coffee mug that says: The big 5-0 on the front and on the back it says: Fifty... half a century and it SHOWS! Thanks a lot son!!! My hearing is a little off right now and it has nothing to do with my age! They are stuffy and I can't get them popped! So I ask my daughter if she got the money back from her teacher yet? What I thought she said is: She spent it. I said, "She spent my money"? Mom I said " She sent it"! Everyone starts laughing, I go Oh I thought you said spent!! Well I still don't feel 50 and I don't by any means feel 50, but I know my family well keep reminding me of it anyway!!

I Did NOT Say Or Do That

I did NOT cry when I got a letter from a good friend and she told me she has stage 3 breast cancer. I did NOT feel bad that I hadn't written to her in over a year. I did NOT cry again when she said her hair was falling out and she had her husband shave the rest of it off. I did NOT get on the computer right away and e-mail her back. I did NOT tell her how sorry I was that I hadn't wrote to her for so long. I did NOT go to the store and pick her up a card and I did NOT cry while reading said card.

I did NOT learn something about my daughter when talking to the counselor. I did NOT cry when the counselor was talking about how I was doing with the death of my mom. I did NOT cry knowing my daughter is depressed and grieving for the loss too.

I was NOT sad that I had to go back to work. I did NOT tell my co-workers that I could have taken another week off. I did NOT cry again when telling my co-workers about my friend with breast cancer.

My husband did NOT get his ear pierce. He did NOT ask me what I thought of my old man now. I did NOT say I suppose the next thing is a tattoo.

I did NOT finish my clean up task from my staycation. I did NOT tell my husband to stop putting stuff on the desk that I did NOT just clean up. I did NOT tell my daughter to clean up the dresser that we just brought over.

I am sure there is more things I did NOT say or do but those are the main ones I can think of right now. I know I have taken this from another post, but liked it so much I thought I would give it a try!

Staycation

YES, this is really a word with a definition! I had a staycation! I have been off work for two glorious weeks now! I did get a lot done that needed to get done, but a whole lot more I need to do. I loved just being with my family, but now come Saturday it is back to the old grind stone we call "Work"! We went for a drive the other day and that was really nice. We did things mostly around the house that needed to be done. I got my flower garden in and that was great! We went to the movies and rented movies and just had family time! Tuesday was my husband birthday and we took him out to dinner. We went into Reno to the macaroni grill! I love that place they have such great food and I love the atmosphere. The weather has been great as well so that is really nice, although I think we are suppose to get a cold front come in, it figures since I just got my flowers in! Hopefully it won't be to bad. I will enjoy the rest of today and tomorrow and than worry about Saturday on Saturday! I really could enjoy this life of not having to work, but unfortunately I still have bills to pay!

Parenting

Parenting is one of the most rewarding and hardest jobs you will ever have! You never stop being a parent even when they move out on their own, when they start there own family. You are a parent for life! It is a 24/7 job. I have to say right now the hardest is when you have teenagers! My oldest is 6 years older than his sister and 10 years older than his brother, so I haven't had two teenagers at once until now! I am dealing with the fighting which is normal, but also I think God is testing me or something. It is hard enough dealing with teenagers because they are becoming there own person so to speck, but to have to deal with all the high school stuff that goes along with it is really trying not only on my daughter, but on me as well. I know where she is coming from because I went through the same crap as she did. You couldn't give me a million dollars to go back to high school that is how bad it was for me. As much as time has change they stay the same. At the beginning of the school year my daughter was writing an assay in her English class and she had wrote that she had thoughts of suicide. Well of course red flags went up and the teacher called her councilor and she called me and I went in to the councilor's office a total basket case! We talked and than at home we talked and her and her dad talked. We had her big brother come over because sometimes it is easier to talk to someone that isn't your parent. We kept a close eye on her and didn't let her stay alone in the house and things seem to be fine. I started to let her stay alone if I had to take her little brother some where and she seemed happy and all that. Well last Friday that changed! I got a call from her councilor and this time she write a good bye letter and gave it to her English teacher. I was in shock I couldn't believe this was happening again only this time it wasn't just a thought this was a good bye letter. I go into the councilor's office and she is in there and she is crying this time which is a good thing because she wasn't the last time. I asked her why she was feeling this way and she didn't know. She said she just had this thought and the best way for her to express herself is to write it down. She didn't know how to approach myself or her dad. By this time I am in tears in disbelief that this could be happening again! I told her she could come to me anytime she has these feelings that I am hear for her. I just don't know how to she said. The councilor gave me an address and phone number to the mental health and I called and they said for screening they take walk ins. Well my husband went over there on Monday and there was papers to be filled out so we did that and he took her over there. If they decide she needs counseling they will send us a letter or call us. How devastated I am feeling right now that my daughter has these thoughts and doesn't know why. I told her you know that this isn't the way to solve anything and she knows it is wrong and she is so scared. My heart is bleeding! When I talked to my husband at lunch that day he was also devastated and ask if I wanted him to come home. I told him we would be okay. Well he ended up calling to let me know he was coming home he just couldn't concentrate. I know that God well see us through all of this! So we are trying to spend more time with her, not that we didn't but just a little more and talking to her about how she is feeling and I hope that she can get some counseling.

Now on to my next devastating moment! Yesterday my son says he is going to go ride his bike so I told him just stay around the area don't go far. Well as soon as he had left I got this funny feeling but didn't think much of it continued what I was doing. Well the phone rang and I went to get it and got this sick feeling when I saw the caller number, it was Carson City City of, my heart just sank. It was the sheriff's office calling to say I needed to go to such in such place. I picked up the phone and they lady said that there has been an accident involving your father, I said do you mean my son is there a bike involved, she said yes I was like Oh My God! She said there isn't any injuries how soon can you be there well I said it two seconds it is just right around the corner! So I told my daughter come on lets go your brother was in an accident she is like Oh my gosh, I said he wasn't hurt! Well he was on the other side of the road so of course when in a hurry you have to wait for traffic! I could see my son and he was with a police officer and he was okay! So I get there and the officer is telling me what happened and I am crying and he said your son is okay he didn't get injured. What happened is he was going to cross the high way and was waiting for cars to stop well the car in lane number two stopped so my son started to cross, but in lane number one the car didn't stop and my son ran into his van. So the man was telling me that he was wondering why the other car was stopped so he had slowed down, but didn't see my son! I am thinking to myself HELLO if the other car was stopped don't you think he was stopping for someone to cross in the cross walk!! I am just very grateful my son wasn't injured. The police officer couldn't believe when he got the call they said no injury because he said that is very unusual that a person on a bike had no injury what so ever! We get all the paper work done and than we were able to go. I told my son to walk his bike across the street not ride and we made sure there wasn't any cars at all! As we were waiting for all the paper work and stuff we saw my oldest son, so we were waving at him and he came back around and I went over to talk to him to let him know what was going on and told him to met us at the house. Oh and the officer tells me you might want to buy him a helmet. I said he has a helmet he choice not to wear it and than I told him yeah you try telling a 13 year old to wear a helmet and see how far you get. It isn't easy beside the fact they could put it on in front of you and than take it off later because "It isn't cool". So anyway we get home and I tell my son, "Do you realize that God was with you today"? Yes I know that mom! Well that was kind of dumb on my part because God is with us always. I should have said your guardian angel was with you! So than I told him see why I want you to wear a helmet worse case scenario is you could have been dead! You are so blessed that God was watching out for you today, because I don't even want to think what could have happened! You guys are the most important thing in this world to your dad and I so I don't even want to think what could have happened! I know he was pretty shuck up and maybe a little scared. I only know I got a few more gray hair and my heart went into my stomach, but by the grace of God my son is fine!! So when you are thinking maybe you can't wait until your kids are a little older just remember it doesn't get easier it only gets harder!! Cherish them while they are young because they grow up fast enough as it is!!!