What I Did NOT Do

Last Saturday which is my Monday I did NOT want it to be Friday which is Monday. I did NOT want my daughter to have a great time on her trip and I was NOT a nervous wreck about her going. I did NOT call her on Monday to make sure she got home safely and she said she did NOT have an awesome time. She did NOT say she wanted to go back. When she was telling me about her trip she did NOT say the same thing my oldest son said his first time on this trip That there was NOT this beautiful park with this pond and the pond did NOT have baby ducks. She did NOT buy me this beautiful mug that does NOT say my mother, my friend on it.

I did NOT have a whole day off with my husband who did NOT take me out to breakfast. We did NOT have a good day together. We did NOT go to our daughters play that night and I did NOT see one of my good friends there.

My husband's car did NOT break down the other day while picking up the kids from school. He did NOT call me to pick him up and he did NOT have to call a tow truck. The Lord was NOT with us that day and it was NOT the fuel pump that went out AGAIN and it was NOT still on warrenty. I did NOT have to take my husband to work the past two days and I did NOT say I don't know how we got along with only one car all those years. I did NOT thank God for his blessings.

My son did NOT ask me if he could go to the movies with his friend on Saturday and I did NOT ask which friend. He did NOT tell me it is a girl and I did NOT say you can not date! He did NOT say she is just a friend and he did NOT say she doesn't like me as a "boyfriend". I did NOT say I would have to think about it and did NOT ask him if other friends were going.

I was NOT driving over the speed limit and I did NOT get pulled over. The cop did NOT ask me where I worked and I did NOT say why. It did NOT happen that it was NOT the same cop that I talked to when my son was NOT in that bike accident. He did NOT give me a break on the cost and demerits. I do NOT have a court date and I can NOT chose to go or to NOT just pay the ticket.

That is what I did NOT do this week.

She's Back

My daughter went to Ashland Oregon this weekend. She was so excited to go and was really looking forward to it. On Friday I told her she needed to pack her stuff so it would be already to go, because she had to get up early on Saturday. I asked her about three or four times she finally got packed, but of course I had to say did you pack this and that oh make sure you pack long pants and take one oh your hoodies with you, she is like mom I did!! Okay just checking. I have always packed her things when we go any where, but I figure she is old enough that I didn't need to check to see. I always over pack because you never know what will happen. I think it is better to be safe than sorry. It drives my husband crazy when I pack! He always says we are only going to be gone two days not two weeks!

The drama class takes this trip every year. My oldest son went as well when he was in drama and he always had a great time. Well of course I was a nervous reck because this was her first trip with out mom and dad hanging around. Of course there was plenty of chaperones on this trip and they have a strict buddy rule. so no worries right? Of course I knew everything would be fine and she would have a great time, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't worry about her! They had an itinerary each day with a lot of free time to do what ever they want. They could go swimming, movies, shopping, dining, but always with their buddies! I think that is really good that they are not to go to town alone. They had to be back in their rooms by 10 PM and lights out at 11PM. This trip is to see shakespear plays.

She called me when she got to Ashland, but I didn't keep her long because the first day there it is pretty rushed. She texted me every day to just tell me she loved and missed me. Well it was finally Monday and she was to get back around 8 PM I was at work so I called and she was home so I talked to her briefly. I couldn't wait for the night to be over so I could get home to see my daughter. I got home and she wasn't up yet. I think she was really tired from her trip. Well we talked for a few and she had a really great time. The plays were good and she had fun going shopping and stuff. They went to this really nice park they have there and had to tell me about the baby ducks! ( the plays she saw were: "Servant of two masters", "Music Man", and "MacBeth") She said the girls she was hanging out with made her buy a dress because they wanted to go out to have dessert. Well that's one thing I didn't think she needed to pack! She loved all the little stores they had there and the places to eat. I am really glad she had a great time! She bought us some gifts and she even had some money left over, which my son never came home with money!

Isn't it funny when your child goes away when they come back home they seem a little different. She seems more mature. I don't know it could be just me! Sometimes it is hard to let your child go, but you know you have to let go of that apron string little by little, but I don't have to like it!

Strange Things Happen

I was waiting for my daughter at the clinic for her weekly meeting and they were having an open house so my son went back to check it out, I didn't want to go so I just sat and was reading my book minding my own business. This guy comes in and was very loud talking about some bill he got and was really upset about it. He was carrying on about it even as the gal told him to sit down she would get someone to come and talk to him about it. It is very nerve racking that every time I go there and wait for my daughter something happens. It really makes me uncomefortable. Well as I am still waiting this lady comes up to me and says Hi I haven't seen you in so long you look really great and that color looks really great on you. I am like who the heck are you? I don't know this lady. I don't know maybe I look like someone she knows and thought I was her. Well than it makes you wonder, do I know her? No I am sure I didn't know who she was. Well than she was going back to the open house and she tells me you are so blessed. Well I couldn't disagree with her there I am blessed. I don't know everytime I go there something happens. I think maybe I should just stay in the car, but I don't want to be rude and the social worker always comes out with my daughter to let me know same time next week. My son stayed back there for a while so I called to see if he was coming back out, I could have gone back to see what he was up to, but I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know and I really didn't want to end up talking to that lady who thought she knew me. I wasn't rude to her and tell her sorry I don't know who you are I just kind of went along with it. Just put me in a really uncomfortable spot. I guess we will see what happens next week.

You Didn't Just Say That

The other day my husband was getting some ice out of the ice tray and I said that it needs to be filled up again. I told him I been trying to keep it filled so we don't run out. He says, "Will I don't usually use ice, but have to in this cup". Okay so you aren't going to fill the tray? No. So I fill the tray up and refill the ice cube trays, not being quiet about it. I decide to wash what little dishes that are in the sink and my husband water bottle is in there, I almost didn't wash it! When I get done I go and tell him, "You had your water bottle in the sink I guess you wanted it washed", yeah " Well I don't use it, but I WASHED it anyway. He looks at me, I go yeah just because you don't use something doesn't mean you don't have to fill it back up! OH by the way I wash, dry, fold and put away your clothes every week, and guess what I don't wear them! I got your point. YEAH THINK!!!

Hearing, But Trying Not To Listen

Yesterday my daughter had her appointment with the social worker which usually takes an hour. I always take a book with me so I am not bored, unlike my son who won't bring anything with him and is bored! I was sitting waiting and reading when this gal came and sat next to me to use the phone. She is clearly up set talking to who ever it was she was talking to. Now I can not help that I am hearing her she is sitting right next to me, but truly I am trying NOT to listen. She hangs up with the first person she calls and calls someone else, well she is pretty loud not screaming loud just loud. She is leaving a message with this person that I gathered was a teacher anyway she said she is sorry for the way she said what she said the other day, but is not sorry about what she said. She goes on to say you have known me the best and know about my mental health problems and yet I felt like you didn't even want to hear what I had to say like you were ignoring me. I was really trying my hardest not to listen to this, but couldn't help but hear it. I am reading and find I keep reading the same sentence over and over again. Than she makes another call to get another phone number for bishop Bean, Okay that rings a bell. I believe nursemom has mention this bishop before. She calls him and leaves a message. I am back on track reading my book when she makes yet another call. She gets someone and starts talking about how she isn't having a very good day and that people don't understand why she can't talk to them face to face right now. All these things aren't going good for her and she doesn't want to be where her sister is. My sister keeps calling me 20 times a day and I just can't handle it with everything else going on and my own mental health issues. I know the father doesn't give you more than you can handle but I feel he wants me to help my family. Heres where I loss it, she starts crying! I am thinking to myself don't listen don't listen and she keeps crying, well I can't help it I started to cry! My gosh I don't even know this person what the heck is wrong with me!! I am also thinking God wants her to help herself get better before she trys to help anyone else, I mean this gal sounds very unstable and ready to crack at any minute. She finally says well I have one minute to go catch the bus I am sorry I put this all on you but thanks for listening! I wanted to hug this girl, but I was afraid she think I was nuts and I didn't know her from Adam, it is just so dumb of me to start crying as I am trying to read my book which isn't working out so well, I guess if anyone ask me if I was okay I could have said oh it is just a sad part in the book, except the book I am reading is about vampires, witches, shapeshifters, and fairies. I guess I am just an emotional sap when it comes to other people crying I just can't help myself. I hope this gal will be okay and that she can pull her life together, because I really felt that she was ready to just explode at any minute. The good thing is I didn't get called back to the office and my daughters meeting went well this week!!

Life Can Be Unbearable

Life can be so unbearable at times. You life from pay check to pay check and still don't seem to make ends meet. The bills keep piling up and wondering how they are going to get paid. You help your children out and you take blood out of a turnip until there is no blood left. Your daughter has depression and thoughts of suicide and you are just beside yourself with grief. Now you get a call and your son is depress. You live day to day and don't want to go to work, but you know you have to and you just get off of your days off and can't wait until your next days off. There are times you just want to SCREAM and even that doesn't help. You cry daily because you don't know how you are goint to get by day to day. You don't want to leave your daughter a lone and she doesn't understand why. You find out that they want her to go to the hospital which is in another town and you don't want her to miss out on the last days of school. You still have the bills to pay and more are coming in daily. I just want to go hide under a rock some where and forget everything. I want to SCREAM CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! Sometimes it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel and it just gets darker and darker. I just want to go sit on the beach by the ocean and listen to the waves, but the ocean is so far away. So all you can do is sit there and cry. How am I going to do all these things I need to do. How can I help my daughter to cope with life when I am having a hard time myself. If I SCREAM is that really going to help? Lord I need your help! I know you are there and I know you are aware of what is going on, but I just can't seem to find the answers. I know this too shell pass, but right now it isn't passing fast enough. Yes life can be unbearable at times. Everything just seems so over whelming and I can't even begin to cope with it all. I want to talk to my mom and can't even do that. It is so devasting to think your daughter doesn't want to be here anymore that she feels her life isn't worth it, it breaks my heart and I just can't bare the thought of it anymore. Now my son is feeling it too. I know that we will get through this, but right now it doesn't feel that way.

A Funny Thing Happened...

I turned 50 this year, which is no big deal! (At least that is what I keep telling myself) The thing is my family makes it a big deal! I tell them it is just a number. My husband likes to give me a hard time and teases me all the time. Now everytime I say something like "I forgot" my husband either tells me "welcome to my world" or his lasted thing to say is "welcome to the grey side". My kids give me a hard time especially my youngest. Now I have been wearing reading glasses for two years now and I still get a hard time about it!! My family laughs at me everytime I put them on. Well the other day at work one of the day nurses put them on and said they were really strong I said well they are reading glasses, so she put them on and said that she could read that really good I might have to get some. Than the next day the same thing happened with someone else. Are we so vain? I admit it took me a while before I went in, I mean when you have to take a magnifying glass to read a bottle of tylenol it is time to do something about it! I know it is all apart of the fact that as you get older stuff happens. We went to this gift shop yesterday and my son just couldn't help himself he had to get me this coffee mug that says: The big 5-0 on the front and on the back it says: Fifty... half a century and it SHOWS! Thanks a lot son!!! My hearing is a little off right now and it has nothing to do with my age! They are stuffy and I can't get them popped! So I ask my daughter if she got the money back from her teacher yet? What I thought she said is: She spent it. I said, "She spent my money"? Mom I said " She sent it"! Everyone starts laughing, I go Oh I thought you said spent!! Well I still don't feel 50 and I don't by any means feel 50, but I know my family well keep reminding me of it anyway!!