Why Am I here?

I was reading this post and it was so heart wrenching that I thought about what this person was saying and it got me to think why am I here? I am here because God wanted me to be here. After all God has known me before I was born. I am here for a reason and for a purpose. Sometimes I don't know what that purpose is but I know God loves me and wants me here. Now I don't know the pain this person is feeling but when I read the post it made me ache for her. She so wants to have a child and is trying to adopt and the process you have to go through is greater than you can know. Maybe I do know my purpose because I have three wonderful children I know that was a purpose to be here so they could be born. I couldn't imagine life without them and wouldn't want to. I know I was suppose to be meant to be because I am an only child and God wanted me to be born. My husband was meant to be also even though his father had been fixed he was born anyway, why because God wanted him to be born so that he could meet me!! Sometimes people will say if there is a God why is there so much evil in this world, where is God now! God is everywhere and the evil is satan. Some people just don't have any faith and want things done when they want it done and if you know God he does get things done in his time in his way and we are just impatient about it sometimes! Some people though shouldn't have children when there are so many people out there that really want them and can't sometimes I wonder Why? Some answers only God knows and we just have to have faith and trust in him to know there is a reason for everything even when we can't understand the reasoning around it. I know there is a reason why my son and his ex-girl friend aren't getting married now when we thought it was so right, God has other plans and I just figure there is someone else out there that is the right one. Sometimes are faith is tested and there are times I have had doubts, but I keep praying and trying not to let satan get in my way and sometimes it feels like I am walking right in a really strange wind that I can hardly make it through, but when I do I know that God has helped me to face what it is I am in doubt of and knowing he is always there for me! All I have to do is ask and he will listen. I might not get the answer right away or maybe I think well maybe he was just really busy today, but I know that the answer will come in his time. So I am praying for this person on which the post I read and I hope your dream comes to you soon!

Expressing one self

As much as I would like to believe times change at the same time as I look at the high school kids and hear things my daughter tells me, the more I believe they stay the same. Okay times have changed as far as technology, but as far as the kids No. You have your jocks and your rah rah's that hasn't changed and other groupings pretty much is the same. In every decade there is a different fashion, different hair style, different groupings. So you have kids that color their hair pink and purple or orange or this really bright fushia color. I have seen girls who are ratting their hair AGAIN! I know they have said that keep the fashion because someday it will come back.

My youngest son is just coming to find himself so to speck. He is at that in between age where who you are and what you wear is a big thing. He is a skate boarder so he really likes to wear skate shoes. Not just any skate shoes he has to have vans. They are pretty pricey too! I only buy them when on sale because otherewise they are anywhere from 65 to 85 dollars. He is also into style. So his newest thing is wearing his usual jeans or black pants and his t-shirts and now it is wearing his suit jacket. He has longs hair and it's curly which he hates, but I tell him he has beautiful hair which he doesn't like to hear. He wants straight hair and he wants to dye it black. He also wears those biker gloves you know the ones without the whole fingers. He also painted his nails black. His dad thinks it looks crazy, but I say he is just expressing himself and trying to find his own niche.

I remember when the big bell bottoms hip huggers we called them and the peace sign and smiley face was the thing! Long straight hair. I also remember my dad getting after me for my hair being in my face or my pants dragging on the floor so as much as times have changed they really have stayed the same in a way. The music we play. My dad hated my rock and roll music until I brought home a fleetwood mac album. He liked it. I was in shock. This is a man that listened to the big bands! If we had this saying back than I would have said wheres my dad and what did you do with him!

My youngest son also wants his ear pierced and I think it is because his friends all have them pierced. So the other day my oldest son came over to visit and he had dyed his hair black and had on some skater shoes which I was surprised, he said he got them for 20 bucks at ross. Than he said look up a little higher he got his ear pierced! Well after all he had got a tattoo it was just a matter of time before the ear piercing! I told him not to show his brother. So than my youngest did see it and he was can I get mine pierced. I said NO can I get my nose pierced NO WAY what about my tongue HECK NO!!

So let them express themselves to a degree and let them have their own style but always know where they are and who their friends are!

Passioate

I didn't realize this word had so many meanings until I looked it up in the dictionary. I am passionate about a lot of things and maybe more than I realized after looking it up! Here's the definition:



Passionate: 1 a: easily aroused to anger b: filled with anger: Angry 2 a: capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling b: Enthusiastic ardent 3 : swayed by or affected with sexual desire.



So in writing this I would pick, "expressing intense feeling". This could be for a lot of things really! I am passionate about the fact that today is the first day of spring! Spring and summer are my favorite times of year! I love the spring because it is just right as far as weather goes. Not to hot not to cold just right! In fact I wouldn't mind it being spring all the time!! Now I know just because it is the first day of spring doesn't mean winter is over, oh no, in fact we are suppose to get snow tomorow, but as for today it is a beautiful day. I am so excited about spring in the fact I can get out in my yard again and get some plants going and lowes has the spring flowers in.

I am passionate about chocolate! Nothing like biting into a great piece of chocolate it is like a little piece of heaven! I am passionate about my family, but than that goes without saying! There are so many things I am passionate about, but the reason behind me writing this is my passion for a t.v. series. I know sounds pretty silly, but seriously I am passionate about ER. It has been my all time favorite series ever! The sad thing is it is the last season! There are only two more episodes left. The last one is suppose to be 2 hours long. I have been watching this show from day one! I love other shows, but I can't say I am passionate about them like ER! I have watched people come and go and die on this show! They have been like family, I know crazy, but true! I have season 1-10. They have brought back people for the last season even if they died. They brought them back through someones dreams. It is so cool to see all the old people that started with the show. I always ended up crying as well, my husband said I am so silly, but I just can't help myself. I don't think I have watched a show this long, but than some shows don't last for 15 years. So just two more weeks and it will be a rap and I will have to find something else to watch on Thursday nights at 10 PM!

Routine

I usually have a routine. I mean like I do certain things at a certain time or day. I have a routine at home as well as at work. I got thinking about this because my daughter had said something yesterday that got me to think about routine. Last week my routine was all off kilter. My husband was home all week and that just through my routine right off and actually I really didn't have a routine at all last week. It is funny how you get into a routine and not really realize you even have one until something just sets it off. I have a routine at work as well and that usually goes pretty well. Even sometimes at work it gets set of kilter. So my daughter was all confused as to what day it was yesterday because dad pick her up from school. Dad usually don't pick them up on Tuesday so she was sure it was Tuesday, but at the same time it couldn't be because dad is here. Than the day before Monday I pick them up. I usually don't pick them up on Mondays. So I guess I had her all confused. On Monday I also took them to school which isn't the norm either! Goes to make my point about routine! Sometimes when my routine gets messed up it can be a good thing! My oldest son came over and ask if I wanted to go see "Watchmen" with him. He had already seen it, but knew I wanted to go see it too and it isn't a movie for my other two to see so I jump on that, plus being with my oldest is always a nice thing! So sometimes when a routine is off kilter it can me a good thing it can break up the monotony of the same thing day in and day out. It was good to have my husband home last week but not with the circumstance in which he was home all week. So with that although routine is good sometimes it is good to break it up and do something different!

Getting Through

Well last week my husband took off of work because of his being in pain. It is a good thing he has so much vacation time. He ended up having to go in for a C.T. scan, well of course they wanted money because we hadn't made the deductable yet. He was kind of funny, he says, I guess this is the part of in sickness in for better or worse in sickness and health. I just laughed yeah I guess you could say that! I was so stressed out at work last night about taking him in today and not getting any sleep and having to go to work tonight that I just decided the heck with it and told the nurse I was taking it off and put down family emergency. He has been in so much pain and not eatting that I really have been worried about him. I know once this is all over he will be fine, but it is the waiting and getting through it all. Last Friday we went to the movies and after he said lets go out to dinner. We went to Chili's and he had order and than said I really don't feel so good I don't think I can eat, than he felt sick so he went out to the car. I felt really bad for him. When we got home he took his temp. and he was running a low grade fever so he went to bed. I hope he wasn't getting an infection. I have always been a worrier. I worry about the kids even my oldest who is out on his own I worry about my husband I worry about just everything really. I think most mom's are that way we just can't help it! I really had a hard time at work last night and I know with not getting sleep I wouldn't be the most delightful person to work with, so I probably is a good thing, but of course I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't I don't call in sick very often and I felt I needed to be here for my husband anyway. I still wish he would have made this for my day off, but I am not mad at him because I do understand he just wanted to get his done and feeling better. Even though he wasn't feeling all that good last week it was nice to spend the time together. We went to our daughters play one night and than to the movies the next, although I went to see different movie than they did. I went with my oldest son to see the watchmen which was very good. When I dropped him off at the hospital this morning he told me to go home and try to get some sleep, there is no time for sleep. Well at least I don't have to worry about work tonight!

My Husband

Last Sunday my husband informed he was having back pain and so he thought that he had kidney stone again! He gets these at least once or twice a year. The pain in awful for him. Now usually he goes to the doctor after getting an x-ray and he tells him it will just have to pass. Than he tells me he has been having the pain since Friday. What and you are just telling me now two days later!! So I said he better make an appointment on Monday to go see him. Monday morning comes along and he says well I am felling better so I think the stone has passed through my kidney and is on its way. I say well you still should go to the doctor. Of course he didn't and that evening he was having the pain again. You need to go to the doctor tomorrow than I told him. So on Tuesday he called work and let his boss know what was going on and if he could take one of his floaters for the day. His boss said no problem. Well he went got his x-ray done and went to the doctor and he has two pretty good sized kidney stones so now he has to have lithotripsy. So I told him when the scheduler calls to make it on one of my days off. Does he do this, no she called said how about Monday he said that would be fine. He said I just want to get it over with, I am I understand that but I work Sunday night and Monday night so I am going to have to rush home from work take him over to the hospital run back home get my kids off to school come back take a shower and wait for him to call me to pick him up. I am not going to get any sleep that day. I understand he wants to get it over with and maybe I am being selfish, but it is hard to work nights without getting any sleep. That is why I wanted him to make it for one of my days off. Well he also has taken all this week off of work being that he is in pain and felt he couldn't do his job well. It is easy for him because he has so much time. He has five weeks a year of vacation so it was no problem for him to call his boss and ask him if he could this week as a vacation week. It isn't so simple for me to get the night off. I hate that he gets these stones all the time and I wish there was something they could give him so he doesn't. This will be the second time he has had to have lithotripsy. It isn't an invaided procedure, but still they have to put you under and what not. It takes an hour than another hour to recover. He can't drive of course. I am just not sure what I will do. I guess I can see if maybe we don't have enough patients at work and they won't need me. I want to be with my husband, but there are other things like taking my kids to school than picking them up later. If only he would have listened to me!!

Taking Parents For Granted

I have been feeling really down today and was thinking about my parents, well to be more truthful mostly my mom! I was listening to Blue October and it started to make me cry, in turn made me think of my mom. I don't know it might be that it is just hormones, after all it is that time of the month AGAIN! I couldn't stop crying it was so crazy! Than I started to think did I take my parents for granted? Well I don't think I did. The reason I started to think of this was something I read. My parents had always been there for me and now they aren't. It really hits home when I would love for my mom to come over and stay with my kids, but than I remember she isn't around anymore. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. No I don't think that is it either. I could call my parents anytime for just about any reason and if they could they would do what ever I had a need for at the time. If I needed my dad to pick up my husband from work or mom to come over to be with my kids they were always there. Why am I still feeling this way? I was talking to a friend at work and she said women grief different than men. She is so right there, and she also told me she still thinks of her mom and she passed away over 20 years ago. When I went back to work after having my children my mom was always there to watch them until my husband got home from work. When I had my children my mom was always there to help me out for the first couple of weeks. It has been a really hard year and it is coming up on the anniversary of her death. I just wonder if I ever told her how much I appreicated her or more so told her enough how much. How much I loved her, how much she meant to me. I loved my dad and I miss him, but I miss my mom so much more. It is like I have this heart ache I can't get rid of, it is like a piece is missing. I am grateful for my family, because I really couldn't have got this far if not for them. I know life goes on, but some days it is almost unbearable I think today is one of those days. Is this normal? Am I losing my mind? Will it get better? I know only time well heal and it might take longer than I think. I know for as long as I can I will be there for my kids no matter how old they are, because that is what being a parent is all about. It has been a hard road with my oldest being out on his own, but he knows his dad and I will always be there for him when in need and I hope that he doesn't feel like he is taking us for granted, because I do know he appreciates everything we do and is grateful.

A Surprise

So I told about the whole thing about my husband doing the bills with me and everything and how it actually made me feel a lot better and not so stressed out! I guess having a little spat and not talking for a couple of days really opened my eyes as well as his! He has always been loving and appreciate of me, but it made him even more so which is great! I really think it opened his eyes to the fact that we do live pay check to pay check, so with that said I come home Sunday morning and he was waiting for me to see how my night went and than tells me to go into the living room that he had a surprise for me! What a surprise wow my birthday is over with Valentines is over why did he get me a surprise, he said it is a just because I love you! Oh how sweet. He bought me a fairy statue for my garden!! In case your wondering I really like fairies!

Now for my next surprise. My oldest son came over the other night just as I was about to take off for work. He told me to wait he wanted to show me something and started to pull up his pant leg, so I thought he had a cut or something that he wanted to ask me about, because even though I am not a nurse I work with nurses and ask a lot of questions so that I know stuff. Anyway, he pulls up his pant legs and shows me a "Tattoo"! I was like oh my!! Did you just get that done today? He said no we got in done on Saturday night! We meaning him and three of his friends. He got the thespian face mask of happy sad. It looks really nice, but I was a little bit surprised!

Two surprises in one week I don't know if I can handle it!!